You Tell Me I'm Too Abstruse

It’s a travesty. What’s the point of a blog if I can’t accurately express my inner-most thoughts/feelings/concerns/desires? It’s absurd to think I could actually pinpoint what’s troubling me via online blogspot, unless of course I want to revoke my rights to privacy and privy that type of delicate and prospectively incriminating information to the very few people who read what’s on my mind. But you know, it’s not really what’s at the forefront my brain, no. It’s just verbose blurbs of randomness that I deem appropriate to release into cyberspace…

(Side note: Betsey monitored me from an early age and discussed at painstakingly long detail what is appropriate and inappropriate to post on online forums—so thank you to a mom who cared(s) about her daughter’s reputation, even if in the moments of my angry pubescent youth, I did not.)

I could never thoroughly vent. No. I could never give a true depiction of what I’m feeling because naturally, it would end up twisted and perverse underneath the gaze of the wrong person—essentially, the person who decides my financial fate or emotional state, whether presently or potentially. Ah, the bitter cycle of the pecking order.

So, with that said, I’ll just make the topic as broad as a linebacker and ask the question: am I settling? It seems I’ve always “settled” in life. I have yet to perceive this as a negative implication, at least not until now, I suppose. Or is it? For instance, it was never a goal of mine to be at the top of my class seeing as how I knew from the beginning there were kids that were naturally smarter than myself. It wasn’t unrealistic for me to achieve straight A’s, I just rather substituted the extra studying for social experiences and the development of people skills. If my assignments were turned in on time, there wasn’t a sizeable need to stress about “going the extra mile.” While I certainly comprehend the fact that nothing in this world of flesh and sin is perfect and it’s unattainable to be, do or think perfectly, I do believe in striving for excellence; I just suppose the areas in which I strive for excellence differ from the norm. But now here I am questioning if my lack of enthusiasm to excel academically in my youth has hindered me from being where I want to be in the present? Am I too little too late?

If the saying “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know” holds any considerable truth in our failing economy, than I shouldn’t be as apprehensive about the extra-credit assignments I turned a blind-eye to in school. Because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's meeting and reading people. However, I suppose my idea of what was important then was a tad skewed in reference to future engagements. I wasn’t trying to see the bigger picture at 16, I was just trying to see if the hot eleventh grader with slight acne and no braces noticed I had actually brushed my hair and attempted to look presentable that day….know what I mean? That was a big feat for me... (the getting ready part, that is).

Because I was more focused on socializing and rallying for a good cause, I may have bypassed excellent resume boosters or extra-curricular activities to give me the edge above the competition. But I didn’t seem to harp on those missed opportunities, nor did my parents, who were probably still puzzled over why I had started an argument out of thin air the night before. However, they’ve continuously mentioned over the years how proud they are of my accomplishments, and I assume they’re referring to the social ones that allowed me to hone my leadership abilities more so than the satisfactory marks I received on my report card.

When I say “settling” I suppose I’m more focused on the aspect of its equivalent “contentment." I am content in life, but do I say that to mean that I should be happy, not just content? Or if one is content, does that mean they are happy because they’re OK with the hand they were dealt? Could this school of thought be considered a paradigm?

I want to be all of the above: happy because I’m content, content with being happy and happy about the hand I’m dealt. Now if I could just get to that place of being “settled down”….eh, we’ll give that notion a few more laps around the sun.

Adios.